Letting Go of Care, Not Love: Preparing for an Adult Family Home Transition

Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash

When it’s time for your loved one to move to an adult family home for full-time care, it can be difficult to let go of the caregiving responsibility, and return to a simpler relational dynamic. In this article we share some helpful strategies that will make the adjustment easier.

Have an open mind

Transitioning a loved one whom you have cared for yourself into a setting where someone else will provide the care can be really difficult. Over time, you have likely developed ways of doing things that are familiar and work for you. It’s natural to want the adult family home to offer care in the same way you have been. It’s important, however, to stop and try to have an open mind about letting go of the care, but not the love. When you adopt a flexible, trusting approach from the beginning, you ease the transition for all involved.

Trust the staff and remember that they have been trained to care for folks in this environment. They have learned proven techniques from their caregiving classes and years of experience to keep your loved one and themselves safe from injury. Allow the staff the time they need to build rapport with your loved one.

Make the most of your visits

Mornings are generally pretty busy in the adult family home, getting folks cleaned up for the day, breakfast, toileting, etc. If the adult family home has not given you specific visiting hours, please avoid visiting before about 10 AM. Lunchtime is also a very busy time for the adult family home, and most folks in care need to have their focus on eating rather than visiting. Some clients (maybe not your loved one) may become agitated when visitors arrive during mealtime. For that reason, most adult family homes prefer visits outside of meal times. Our advice is to schedule your visits around 1:00 or 1:30 p.m., after the midday meal is finished.

Keep your visits on the shorter side. Coming frequently, but for shorter lengths of time, is ideal. Be aware that a caregiver may sometimes be hesitant to toilet a client or do a dressing change when family is visiting. Offer to step away and allow them to provide the care your loved one needs. Dementia clients will often scream with care, and while these outbursts can be extremely disturbing for a family to hear, rest assured that the staff is doing their very best to gently care for the client. Caregivers work very hard to take the best of care of their clients, but sometimes the most challenging clients are the overbearing visiting family members!

Partner with the care team

The adult family home can truly become your best partner in the care of your loved one. In ideal situations, the care providers are honest and open about your loved one’s needs and will share ideas with you that can enhance the care of your loved one. The staff will be available when you have questions and concerns, and can keep you in the loop regarding upcoming in-home doctor visits so you can plan to be present, if desired. The caregivers become like an extended family and can truly provide emotional support for you as you travel on this journey of your loved one aging. We know of many families who still visit the staff at the adult family home, even after their family member has passed away.

One of the best ways to build a strong relationship with the adult family home staff is to demonstrate your confidence in them, trust them, and identify their techniques that really seem to be working well for your loved one. It can be intimidating if family members watch every move the caregiver makes or question every aspect of the care. Be alert to this tendency, and give them space to do their work.

Find opportunities to compliment them on things that are going well, and seek to notice and then commend them for even small accomplishments. Caregiver burnout is real, and frequently they don’t get enough praise for the hard work they do. Acknowledge their hard work, be kind, and find small, simple ways to show your appreciation. Chocolates or a brief note are always welcome.

Be mindful of the temptation to micromanage the caregivers. You can stay involved with your loved one’s care by asking thoughtful questions in a curious, respectful tone. Trust them and give them space to perform their duties. Let them know you are there to be supportive, but do not want to step on their toes.

Remember that everyone’s ultimate goal is the comfort and well-being of your loved one, and keeping an open mind, making the most of your visits, and working together with the adult family home staff makes this goal possible. Try to be patient and positive as your loved one settles in, work at building a supportive relationship with the care team, and seek to embrace your new role as advocate and simply ‘family member’ or ‘friend’.

If you know someone who’s looking for 24/7 elder care in East King County, WA, tell them about Calm Harbor Placements. We’d love to talk to them!